sort of

Baby you've got the sort of hands to rip me apart

And baby you've got the sort of face to start this old heart
But your eyes are warning me this early morning
That my love's too big for you my love

Baby you've got the sort of laugh that waters me
And makes me grow tall and strong and proud and flattens me
I find you stunning, but you are running me down

My love's too big for you my love
And if I was stronger then I would tell you no
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go

But here I am and here we go again
Baby you've got the sort of eyes that tell me tales
That your sort of mouth just will not say, the truth impales
That you don't need me, but you won't leave me
My love's too big for you my love
My love's too big for you my love

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again
Tell me what to do to take away the you?

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no.
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again

the dirty thirty.

thirty. three. zero. 3.0. how can such a small number cause such a raucous?
of all the things that I thought I would have done, places I would have seen, experiences I would have had, goals I would have reached by now…sitting in a townhouse, by myself, in ohio…a handful of days away from my big three oh…is not at all where I thought I would have been. Im not even sure how I got here….tracking back to the forks in the road where I went left rather than right, would right have also brought be to this point?

Ive always been an unrelenting believer in fate and destiny and that we will somehow end up in the place that we were supposed to be, just somehow – it happens. But how do I know if this is my “end up” or just a stop along the way….ah, please be a stop. Please. Karma is indeed a bitch, but hopefully I haven’t been that big of one to lead me to this…for all of time…

If I kiss you where it's sore
Will you feel better?
Will you feel anything at all
Born like sisters to this world
In a town where blood ties are only blood
If you never say your name out loud to anyone
They can never ever call you by it
You're getting sadder,
And I don't understand,
and I don't understand
But if I kiss you where it's sore Will you feel betterWill you feel anything at all

muse, ak.

so if it isnt already blatantly obvious, I LOVE music. I may not be as up-to-date on current artists or know about the up-and-comers as I once was, but I do know that silence drives me insane – and music is my cost-effective non-pharmaceutical remedy. I know that if I hear a certain song, it can take me to another time, another place, when I was another person…and for that 3 minute interval, I find myself completely enveloped in that moment, caught in a whirlwind of sights and sounds – 3, 4, 12 years ago. The soundtrack of my life is quite robust, and there is no end in sight…consisting of that hip hop song that we choreographed impromptu dances to, to “our” song, to what was playing in the car when I got my driver’s license, to the song that everytime I hear – I cant help but cry, to the song i will play on my wedding day…

there are different groupings of songs that find their way into the arsenal of my memory bank – those that ignite those memories…and then there are those that ive never heard before, and when I hear for the first time, stop me in my tracks, make me sit down and just listen. most of these tend to be the sad, melancholy songs of love lost and broken hearts…that I somehow always manage to think that the song was written just for me, about my experience, about my heart….unfortunately, more and more, I find myself in that latter situation, hearing those forlorn melodies and thinking that they are speaking to just me…

my most recent obsession, how does she know me?...

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, ever forget
These images
I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

breakable...

Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.
And we are so fragile,

And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.
You fasten my seatbelt because it is the law.
In your two ton death trap I finally saw.

A piece of love in your face that bathed me in regret.
Then you drove me to places I'll never forget.
And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

baby it's cold outside

So the first hint of colder weather has finally arrived. It is slightly overcast, with a wonderful chill in the air. My absolute favorite! Quite contrary to the majority of the population, I love it when the temperature hovers right around 67 degrees. Lovely. It just seems so crisp and clean. I made a cup of coffee and put it in my big blue coffee cup (stolen from my sister), put on my favorite big fuzzy socks, bundled up in my coziest blanket, and curled up on the couch to do some mindless magazine reading. I love those lazy Sundays. After a good fifteen minutes of bliss, reality hit that I have endless mounts of work to do….and could no longer avoid. I hate it when lazy Sundays don’t realize who they are in the day hierarchy…they are never going to be that over-achiever that sits in the front of the class answering every question….they should just realize their place and remain that slacker kid that sits in the back corner falling asleep and drooling. Sometimes we just shouldn’t try to be things we aren’t…

Sad, I better get back to trying to be a Monday.

Lazy Sunday,
Wake up in the late afternoon
Call Parnell just to see how he's doin'
Hello?
What up, Parn!
Yo Samberg, what's crackin'?
You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
Narnia!
Man it's happ'nin'!
But first, my hunger pangs are stickin' like duct tape.
Let's hit up Magnolia and mack on some cupcakes.
No doubt, that bakery's got all the bomb frostings.
I love those cupcakes like McAdams loves Gosling.

until it's gone

im sure you know the saying “you don’t know what you are missing until it’s gone”….its SO true. There are so many little things that I have taken for granted as just being things that I had come to expect, and now, being denied those things have come to realize how good I had it….

1) toilet seat covers: yeah, they don’t exist in the Midwest…and the time that it takes me to line a seat with layers of charmin before every public usage is taking away time that could be better spent (watching brett michael’s rock of love)
2) having the temperature drop below 97 degrees by 10pm.
3) driving above 60 mph on the freeway (with a speed limit of 55, even that is pushing it)
4) not being able to order sushi and pad thai at a Chinese restaurant: though some people might see that as a benefit of being able to order any kind of asian food at any kind of asian restaurant, I certainly do not
5) people knowing what a pepperoncini is
6) going out for a nice dinner and not ending up at tgi friday's

ahhh, sweet ca, how i miss you...


im leaving, but don't worry i'll be back again,
you're always right here
and you're grieving
but don't hurry to your pack of friends,
I'll stay it's clear,

The one you knew
from your love I grew
into complete and whole
and the way I justify,
it's my way to control love everlasting

boo.

you know what's the worst? when someone decides that they dont want you anymore, but then they just dont let you go...