the ex factor

so, its been quite the topic of conversation amongst my friends lately....friends breaking up with their boyfriends, and them remaining "friends" with them. my stance on that situation is that after breaking up with someone - you cant automatically revert to being friends...because you arent. he is not your friend, he is your ex. there is a distinct difference, and the terms cannot, and should not, be used interchangably. you cant go from having feelings for someone, to all of a sudden not. it just doesnt work like that...and you are no exception.

so here i am, at my second home (school)...minding my own business, doing my 'work'...when i get a text msg, not just a text msg, but a picture message...from the ex. yeah, for a long time we did the whole 'we are friends, sorta'...but i had enough, i couldnt do it...so about a month ago, i stopped talking...stopped emailing...stopped responding...just stopped. i thought that i made it fairly clear that this is what i wanted. (taken with a grain of salt - 'clear' for me - is on the vague side...i can be pretty vague and cryptic and expect people to understand what i mean)...but he is known me for 10 years - so should be able to decode my words pretty easily...

so then why does he continually do this....whats the point? i feel like its for his own safety net to keep me around...a reminder of a different time in his life...id like to venture to say a better time, but that may not be his sentiments about it...i dont want to be that person...that ex gf that is kept around for who knows why. we have never been friends, and i dont think we ever can be...right?

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

beat.

im running on an average of 2 hours sleep every night. i wake at 6 am every morning. coffee, power bars, and beer have been the only things i have been consuming. school is so much more work, more effort, more energy, more time...just more than i thought it would be. i am so not bringing my 'a' game right now...this is more like a 'c-' game. i must be a massochist for inflicting the pain upon myself.

i miss seeing friends, i miss watching tv, i miss my bed...

p.s. i want a nano ipod. everyone at school has them and are always out and about with their latest gadget, i feel like an outcast and refuse to bust out my walkman with boys II men's greatest hits in the tape deck. b-school is so 4th grade.